Pregnancy Woes

I have been pregnant 6 times in the last 9 years. Yes I know EXACTLY what you are thinking. That is a lot of kids. Is she crazy? Her husband must think she is really hot!

Lots of friends have told me being pregnant is the most glorious time in their life. They just loooove being pregnant. Good for them. . . . they are liars.

I am not a glowing, pregnant lady, savoring every blessed moment of the 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I love having babies, obviously, I have 5 kids and feel very blessed. But when I am pregnant, I seem to fall into this deep black hole and don't emerge until that baby has popped out.

Here are some pregnancy woes that could happen to you. Read with caution.

1. Swelling. You may be one of the lucky ones, who got a little swelling in your feet, not noticeable at all. You can still wear your cute shoes etc. You are also probably one of the liars mentioned above. My swelling was out of control. My fingers and toes swelled up like little sausages that could not bend. I had major "man hand" action going on. (you Seinfeld fans know what I am talking about). No shoes would fit and when I got a pedicure, I'm sure the technicians drew straws on who had to rub my tree trunk legs. Folks, not pretty stuff. My nose totally swelled up. I will quote Todd directly on this subject. "You are normally very pretty, but pregnancy just does a number on you." Isn't he great.

2. Snoring. Which was probably due to how massive my nose got while pregnant. My snoring got so bad, Todd actually had to sleep on the couch. Not even my kids would sleep with me. Of course I thought they were all exaggerating until I taped myself one night. Mortified would not even begin to describe what I heard.

3. Mood Swings - Oh you will read in all the pregnancy books how you may have a few mood swings here and there due to the increase in hormones. blah blah blah. What they don't tell you is that these so called mood swings can actually cause a normal, sane woman to cry uncontrollably because she missed the latest episode of "House" and it was the worst day ever and her whole life is ruined. Or mood swings can cause this totally sane woman to stick her tongue out at an obnoxious kid in the line of walmart. She is 30, he was 4. Or even better yet, fill this woman with such an intense rage that she chased a wild cat 1/2 mile down the street yelling and screaming at it and squirting it with water so it won't come back on her front porch, in the middle of the day, with all the neighbors home. Oh yes, good stuff.

4. Sense of smell. My sense of smell was so heightened it was crazy. It was like I was some super hero mom that could smell things a mile away. Sounds pretty awesome huh - wrong. When you smell things you don't like it totally makes you barf. I literally almost barfed on a lady at church when she was talking to me. Heather can vouch for me. There are also a few repeat offenders in my house that make me totally go over the edge of nausea.
Todd's deodorant.
Todd's mouthwash.
Todd's toothpaste.
Bless his heart. He just turns me green when I am pregnant. With your new heightened sense of smell, weird things smell really good, like tar, burnt popcorn and beer.

Anyway, those are just a few great things that happen when you are pregnant. I didn't even begin to hit the bodily functions subject. maybe for a book.

After typing this, I am amazed that I have any friends left after being pregnant.

Issues in the Walker House

So we are getting ready for church today and I notice Todd putting stuff in a little, black backpack that I had in the goodwill box. He is so excited to have something to store all his stuff in. I ask what stuff he is looking to store, kind of dreading where I know this conversation is headed. "Oh you know, my glasses, sunglasses, wallet, money clip, cellphone, bible and pen."

I ask him if he seriously considering using this back pack. He says of course.

Now, no offense to people who actually wear backpacks to carry their junk around. I am sure you are really nice and cool. Your back pack is probably really nice and cool as well.

Todd's backpack is really small and is probably made for a 3 year old. He is 35.

I go off to finish getting one of my 5 kids ready and the next thing I know I see Todd walking around with the backpack on.

"Are you actually wearing that to CHURCH!" I asked him. I am mortified. Todd is not the type of person to be wearing the midget backpack. He is a big musclely man who played division 1 football and is very manly, has manly chesthair, and sometimes doesn't wear deodorant. You get the picture. It was totally freaking me out.

You probably think I am shallow. Well, that's exactly what Todd said. I then told him if he is going to wear it in public not to walk near me.

Well, we had words. . . I called him a dork, he called me immature . . . it was lovely.
Here is a picture. Should we bring back the manpack?

I'm Back

Well Hello Friends!
After a six month sabbatical, I have decided to get back to blogging. Here are a few things that have been swimming in my head lately that I am going to share with you.
1. My Pregnancy Woes
2. Todd's ridiculous man backpack
3. Homeschooling myths proven wrong

Thanks for sticking with me. Even though the only person who may be reading this is Heather who told me she is chaining herself to her laptop till I post again.

Cheers

I met a gangster. It was awesome

So Friday night I had to go to Walmart to buy some diapers for Bella. If any of you ever dare to go to Walmart on a Friday or Saturday night, you know exactly what kind of crowd is there. Let's just say they aren't your typical stay at home mom types. . . enough said.

As I was standing in line thinking how lame I am to be here on a Friday night, I look at the dude in front of me. He was probably about 18 years old and looked like a gangster. This guy was pretty rough looking, not someone I typically hang out with. But I was thinking "cool", "a real life gangster here in suburnanville." I was hoping he would call some friends so I could hear what was going down on a Friday night.

Anyway, moving on. If you know me, I will talk to anybody and I decided to talk to this guy. He had one foot that was wrapped up in a ton of gauze and I decided to ask what happened. You know, just making polite conversation in checkout line 8.

Me: "Hey Man, what happened to your foot?"
Thug: "I went to the hood last week and this Blood came and shot my foot."
Not quite what I was expecting. . . .It was way better!!
Me: "Ouch, did you loose a toe or two?"
Thug: "Naw, you know when you get shot sometimes. . ."
Me: " Sorry, hasn't happened yet."
Thug: " Yeah, well sometimes when you get shot it just goes like that."
He then proceeded to show me how the bullet brushed over the top of his foot. He used lots of arm motions and was talking loud. I am quite sure everyone heard.

Interesting conversation. I liked it.

He checked out and I told him to avoid those Bloods this weekend. He started laughing and walked off. It was great.

Christmas 2007 - I survived

Well, your lazy blogger friend is back. What can I say, no excuses. I mean, who really wants to read about the time I started pushing the wrong grocery cart, with the wrong kid in it at Target and got the other mom really mad at me. Or when I sang a few songs with the salvation army bell ringer because it was cold outside and he looked lonely and I felt sorry for him and in the process embarrassed my oldest daughter. Also, truth be told, I was kind of curious what it was like to be a bell ringer. Or the time all 4 kids were completely wild and so I put them in their car seats where they were contained and drove around the neighborhood with Christmas music playing so loud I couldn't hear any of them. Good times lately at the Walker home.

Here are the highlights for Christmas 2007 if you want the short version.
1. Two nervous breakdowns
2. Forgot Luggage
3. Forgot presents for all the little cousins
4. 1 Trip to the ER on Christmas day

Anyway, on to the main event. On Christmas eve, we drove to Todd's family for Christmas in Georgetown about 3 hours away, no big deal. When we got there however, I realized that we had forgotten all presents and the older girl's luggage. Now when I say "we" forgot, I use that word loosely if you know what I mean. So at this point, it is late afternoon, I am in a small town that I have never been in before with the daunting task of finding some clothes for Madeline and Savannah, replacement presents for the little cousins, and did I mention I was doing all the cooking on Christmas day and still had to go to the grocery store and buy everything. And it is Christmas Eve, the worst time to shop ever. I think you understand what I was facing. Todd told me it's no big deal. I stare at him thinking he must be having a moment of insanity. No big deal??! I forgave him for that lapse in judgement. Well, here comes breakdown number one.

We get to our destination and all the kids get out. Now if you know me, I rarely cry. I have a high thresh hold for tears and crying. So I am sitting in the car and start crying, full body sobbing. Totally out of character for me. Todd is looking at me with panic all over his face, I'm sure he's thinking I am totally loosing it. He asks me what can he do to help me out. I tell him loudly, "watch our kids and make sure they don't die." He had no comment. And as I remember this I laugh about it. It makes no sense but hey, you act kind of crazy when you have a mental breakdown. That's the whole point. People are more forgiving if you act a little crazy.

So off I go on a mission to get clothes, presents and groceries before all the stores close. To add to my wonderful mental state, I find the saddest song on my ipod and play it over and over again. Probably not the smartest thing to do if you are a little unstable. (FYI - "Everybody Hurts, REM).

I arrive at the grocery store, which is packed of course and go pick up my meat that I pre-ordered. I got a prime rib because I don't do ham and I'm not real big on turkey. Well, I get my meat which is a 6 pound prime rib roast. The butcher asks me if I have ever cooked one before. I say no. He starts laughing and says, "don't screw it up, it's all on you." I really felt like throwing the meat back across the counter at him since I was having a mental breakdown and all, but decided against it. . . I casually glance down at the price thinking it would probably be about $15-$20. Are you ready for this, my hunk of meat cost $75 dollars! yep, and I still had to tell my engineer husband who is very efficient and knows exactly where every penny is and is always trying to be a good steward. This was probably not in his game plan.

I go back, drop groceries off and hurry out to get presents and clothes. I pray, "Oh God, why me, help me." He did. Nothing too exciting here, but had to drop another wad of cash and report it back to the bookkeeper. In case you were wondering, mental state is better.

Todd now wants to know how much the roast cost. I ask him if he really wants to know. I tell him and all the color drains from his face. But he took it well and didn't say anything. He walks off, maybe to have his own mental breakdown? Anyway, it turned out awesome.

Christmas day - chaotic but fun with all the kids running around wild and pumped up on sugar and coke. All the things they never get so they of course loved it.

Christmas evening. Landon my 4 year old football guru limps in the living room crying and screaming how his hip hurts and falls down and can't walk anymore. He can't straighten up and is doubled over. He is one tough little dude so Todd and are getting a little nervous. He keeps screaming about the pain and can't move. I feel my nervous breakdown coming back and tell Todd to rush him to the ER because I knew he was dying. Well, Todd agreed that something was not right, so off to the ER they went. A few x-rays and a few hours later, we learned that the pain was extreme constipation. Great. Did I mention we were out of network so the bill will probably wipe out the college fund? Anyway, we went home the next day and he is fine now.

So now you know what we were up to this Christmas. How was yours?
My little rascals.

My Hair of Death

Some of you know my husband Todd and what kind of guy he is. He says exactly what he means. He does not sugar coat things. Here is an example of what I am talking about.

Yesterday morning we were driving to church and he says, "WHAT is that smell?"

Me: "My perfume?"
Todd: "No, did you use some new conditioner or something?"
Me: "Nope - same stuff. Maybe you aren't really smelling anything."
Todd: "What's in your hair? It smells like death."
Me: "DEATH!?"
Todd: "Yeah - what is in your hair?"

At this point, I start freaking out. Who wants to smell like death?
I don't smell anything. He reminds me that out of my 5 senses, I can't smell worth a darn. He asks me again, "Really Sandi, what is in your hair?"
I tell him I did use some new hair gel and he proceeded to tell me to burn it when I get home.

Now you may be wondering what kind of hair gel it is. It is actually a really expensive kind that someone gave me from the Aveda salon. The stuff smells really natural or as Todd describes it, like death, whatever.

So at this point, I am a little self conscious arriving at church, you know, smelling like walking death and all. I am wondering how far a perimeter I should keep from people so they don't smell my hair of death.

I arrive and decide not to hug anyone and just say hi from a distance. Todd comes up after a while and says, "So has anyone said anything about your smell yet?"

Isn't he lovely.

After we finish teaching the kiddos, Todd and I head to worship. When it is time to great the people around us, I turn around and say "Hi, I'm Sandi." And this new girl says, "You have the most beautiful hair."

I of course want to check her and see if she is suffering from a high fever or something that causes you to be delirious. But of course I respond eloquently and laugh and say it looks like a birds nest.

On the way home, I told Todd what she said. He said she must have a cold or something not to smell it.

So to everyone I inflicted with the smell of death yesterday - very sorry.

I did get my revenge on Todd last night and will tell you about it another time. Good stuff.

Drive Through Experience

Yesterday I was driving through Shlotzsky's to get a sandwich and I pull up to the window to pay. The guy working the window tells me the total - $7.06. I said cool. I have plenty of change I tell him. He of course could care less.

I then proceed to dig in my coin purse for a nickle. The coins are stuck in the corner and it is taking forever to get them loose. It is now in that awkward stage where he is waiting for me to pay him and I am obviously taking too long, cars are behind us, kids are going wild - you get the picture.

As I look back, I should have just handed him the $10 bill, but I really didn't want anymore change. I finally get the nickle loose and I pull it from the coin purse.

At this moment, my hand kind of spazes out of control and I fling the nickle out of my hand and it hits the window guy right in the middle of his forehead, bounces off and lands outside.

If you know me, I am a loud laugher and always seem to laugh at the wrong time. This was probably one of those times.

Between laughs and snorts, I tell him sorry and give him the $10. I get my sandwich and get out of there quickly.

Why do these things always happen to me?

You So Wish You Were Me

Let me give you a little run down of a day last week.

1am - 3am - neighbor's giant dog barks non stop, right outside my window. I am having violent thoughts in my head that involve Todd's shotgun.


3:30am - Daughter #2 comes to bed because she is scared. I have only been asleep for 1/2 hour so this was a wonderful blessing. She then proceeds to take my pillow and kick me until morning.

4:30 am - 4 year old son comes to my room and tells me he is so thirsty and do I want him to die or something because I didn't immediately jump up serve him.

7:30 am - Son who was dying of thirst barfs everywhere. If you know me, I am slightly neurotic about vomit.

7:31 1/2 am - yell for son to run to bathroom and stay there. secretly hoping he would want to stay there all day.

7:32 am - go out front to get some fresh air, pray to God while pacing around the front porch like a crazy person.

7:33 am - wave to neighbors, they wave back.

8:15 am - son barfs again. It has been a great morning so far.

8:30 am - discovered Bella (almost 2) has been doing a little body art and colored her entire body with a red sharpie.

10 am - Bella has a massive blowout.

10:01 - I discover I am out of diapers and wipes.

10:02 am - I want to cry.

11:30 am - Lunch - no one wants to eat the wonderful lunch I made. They all ate cheerios.

12 noon - my son who was sick, thought it would be really funny to pretend to barf just to freak me out.

12:30 pm - call a friend and ask them if it really is that bad to discipline out of anger.

1:00 pm - daughter #1 takes the dog's temperature. He then runs out the front door.

1:01 pm - 1:20 - I am chasing our obedient wienie dog around the neighbor hood, barefoot. I am contemplating letting him go on a little vacation.

1:30 pm - my attempt at nap time. Not too successful.

3:00 pm - someone squirted toothpaste all over the bathroom. No one would fess up.

5:00 pm - Todd came home.

5:01 pm - I left to regain my sanity.

Meeting the New Neighbors

As you may recall, back in March I wrote about the incident when I met our new neighbors and how totally cool I was that day. So cool in fact, that they rush straight in their garage everyday, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

Well, we have a new set of neighbors right next door to them. They seem pretty nice. I noticed they work weird hours like 11PM to 4AM or don't go to work for a few days. They have had their carpets cleaned 2 times in about 4 weeks, have no pets and I have never seen them carry in grocery bags. You may be thinking, Sandi, what are you a stalker? Nope, just observant and sometimes I really wish I was a private detective and could spy on people all day, but that is a story for another time.

Anyway, last night they headed out to check the mail together and I thought , perfect, I will go meet them. I rarely see them together, much less in daylight.

I walk up and say, "Hi there. I'm Sandi. I live right there."

They say, "We know. I'm Tina. . . I'm Hugo."

Me: "Wow - Hugo. Awesome name. I totally like it."

Hugo: "Glad to hear that."

Me: "Is that how you really say it in your native language?"

(I am now trying to act nonchalant after I asked this totally inappropriate question.)

Hugo: "Well, actually it is Jugo (sounds like yougo with a little throat action going on). No one here calls me that."

Me: "Oh cool. I will then." *I proceed to say his name a few times the spanish way.*

At this point, Todd who was with me mumbles something and heads back inside. Probably due to extreme embarrassment.

Me: " We have 4 kids."

Tina: "I know. We have heard them."

Me:"Oh, uhh, sorry. They really like playing outside."

I then proceed to tell Hugo about all the hispanic families and 1 columbian family that live on our street and how much I love mexican food and how Todd grew up in El Paso and thinks he's hispanic. I then point out Bella my 1 year old and say she looks hispanic.

(Seriously people. WHAT is the matter with me? I usually have great people skills. Where is all this strangeness coming from? )

Hugo tells me I sure do know what is going on around here. Not sure if it is a compliment.

I tell them bye and I hope to seem them again sometime. Hugo laughs and says, "You are one funny Chica."

I guess I wasn't too offensive after all.

My Second Career

A few weeks ago, Todd told me to sign a form. I asked what it was. He said, if you sign this, then when I die you will get some $. "Alright! Awesome," I said. Then quickly apologized for my enthusiastic response.
Here is a snippet of the conversation that followed,

Me: "So, will I be set for life?"
Todd : "Not quite."
Me: "Enough to live in Hawaii and surf and collect shells all day. Mourning your loss of course."
Todd: "So thankful for your compassion, but if I die soon, you might have to get a job since you are only 30 and we have 4 little kids and college to think of."
Me: " I could always live with my dad."
Todd: "He said no. Your best bet, would be to get married again."
Me: "WHAT! I could totally support my kids. I bet I could even make more than you!"
Todd: "I don't really see that happening."
Me: "There are millions of things I could do."
Todd: "Like what?"

Well, that got me thinking. The marriage thing would definitely be out because lets face it, who wants to marry a person with FOUR kids and is kind of crazy. Besides, the only man I could attract would be my 60 year old neighbor from Thailand who has a major case of halitosis (bad breath). Todd is my one and only for life, so that took me back to the career thing. . . what would I do . . . here is what I came up with - Things that I would love to do.

1. Be a drummer in a band. I totally could rock the stage and I would be performing when the kids where sleeping. Perfect.
2. Spa tester. Not even sure this exists, but I would go around the world and test out spa's and give them reviews of their service.
3. Go live with the Amish.
3. Get my own cable TV show. This is my personal favorite. I could interview all my friends. Awesome!

Well, the list ends there. So I just told Todd, "Don't die babe."
He said, "Maybe I should take some insurance out on you."

I'm Back

Well friends, sorry for the long break, but I am back with many stories about my crazy life. Thanks to all 4 of my readers that stuck with me. I will try not to disappoint you my blogger friends.
Later

Tip #1 For Husbands - What NOT to say to your wife

Sunday morning before church.

Todd: "There's something in your hair and I don't think it's a maggot."

Me: Screaming loudly and shaking my hair out like a wild woman and in the process totally scaring my little baby.

(What was in my hair? A feather from my pillow.)

Todd: "I did say it wasn't a maggot."

*In case you haven't figured it out by now, Todd and I are one unique couple.

The Drive Back to Fort Worth

After a fun week at the beach, we loaded up the mini v and headed back to Fort Worth. Things started out pretty good until Todd started to get a really bad headache. He claims it is because of my driving skillz and the fact that I didn't hug him enough that day. Whatever . . . He should have taken his Advil.

He is sitting in the back row of the mini v and he asks me where the water jug is. "Why?", I say.

"Just in case," Todd say. I am starting to get a little nervous because he is acting really weird. "Just in case of what?"
"In case I need to barf" Todd tells me.

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I am going to stop here for a moment and tell you a little trivia about me. I am extremely afraid of throw up. To say I am afraid is a major understatement. It is a real life phobia. Mentioning that you might barf makes me break out in hives all over my body and do really crazy things. What crazy things you ask. Well, for instance, when one of my daughters was going to throw up a few years ago, I locked her in the backyard and spoke to her through a cracked window, avoiding eye contact. (Don't worry, I really am a good mom).
********************************************************************************

So I think you are starting to see my delima here. I start freaking out yelling at Todd, "are you going to barf right now." "What about now?" "Now?" I realize now that I was pretty obnoxious. My breathing becomes quick and shallow and I feel the hives coming. He yells back, "watch the road!" But I can't seem to get it together. He is right in the middle of my rear view mirror and I have a clear picture of him holding the water jug.

I start praying.

Todd is a very dramatic barfer. He is loud and violent. . . Are you starting to feel the urgency of the situation now?
He says pull over because it is getting really bad. I exit the highway going about 80 mph and roll through a stop sign. He feels the need to lecture me. Probably not the best time to talk to me about driving laws.

I didn't think it was a big deal since we were in the middle of nowhere and there was not one single human or car or anything in sight. Besides, I have been watching 24 and learning a lot from Jack Bauer on emergency driving techniques.

We exit off the highway, I am freaking out since he is about to throw up in front of me and what do we see. A little country church. We stop, he hops out and I tell him to get away from us. He goes and lays under a tree. I unload all the kids and head the opposite direction.

Let me describe the scenery. There is the lone, little country church, acres and acres of farmland, cows and us. Other than that nothing. Sounds great huh.

Well, Todd says he is going to sleep under the tree until he feels better. I take the kids exploring. It is 5PM and very hot outside, after all, it was July in Texas. We walk up to the church and it is unlocked. Awesome. I peek in to check it out. It is dark but a lot cooler than being outside. We stand in the entry for a few moments cooling off. I didn't think God would mind. There is a giant crucifix hanging up front and after a while I am starting to get a little creeped out.

Don't get me wrong here. I love Jesus, but it was a little weird just standing in the dark in a strange place. So the kiddos and I decide to leave and go look at the cows.

We look at the cows and over and hour later, yes, it was that long we were waiting on Todd, we load up and begin leg 2 of the journey home. It was also eventful, but I think you have had enough of the Walkers for now.

Beach Vacation Part 2

We finally arrive at South Padre after a long drive.

Here is a picture of the happy family.

What this picture does not reveal is the frustration of locking yourself out of your condo a few times, losing the sheets to your bed, the iritating whining and crying from your husband and son due to a bad sand scrape in a delicate area. Other than that, the actual vacation was great.

We did lots of swimming, building sand castles, avoiding the drunk hippie surfer and crab hunting at night. It was fun.
I know I don't normally post pictures, but here are a few.

Savannah, Bella & Madeline

Savannah and a big crab.

The End . . . Literally.

Beach Vacation - Part 1

Sorry for the long break - We have been on vacation for nearly 2 weeks. We went to the beach at South Padre Island. Yes it was totally awesome. But before you start getting too jealous, let me give you a glimpse into the ride down there. You might change your mind.

We had to stop the car 5 times for bathroom breaks. This was all within the first 2 hours of leaving Fort Worth. I quit counting after the 5th time.

67 or more- The number of times we heard, "Are we there yet? What's taking so long? Where are we?"

The long car ride made the kids invent some interesting games. At one point, I heard my sweet #2 child yell, "Mommy, I caught the devil." Um, yeah, Todd and I were speechless too. At this point, we tried to tune into a radio station (our tape deck was broken).

Well, all we could pick up was rap music. Who would have guessed since we were on highway 281, which is total Texas country land. Anyway, we jammed out to "Whoomp there it is." Good times.

We could only handle a rap or two so after that, Todd and I decided we should probably talk to each other. Strengthen our bonds of marriage or whatever. This is how most conversations started.

Conversation #1

Me: "I think I might want to be a body builder."

Todd: "Wow - that's scary!"

Me: "What - Why?"

Todd: "You on Roids - yikes."

Conversation #2

Todd: "Just when you think you've met all the cool people in the world, you meet more cool people."

Me: (I didn't respond, just trying to figure out what in the world he was talking about since we were in the middle of nowhere looking at cows and wheat)

Conversation #3

I notice that the liner on the outside of the windshield started flapping up on the passengers side where I was sitting. We were going 80 mph. Thinking I could be facing death soon I ask Todd,

Me: "Do you think the windshield is going to crash in?"

Todd: "Doesn't matter, we have insurance."

I was only slightly offended.

After all this great bonding we decided to just look out the window. Only 6 hours left.